Growing up as a kid, I’ve always had a fear of not being liked. This stayed with me for a very long time and I often stepped back from doing what needed to be done because I feared that would make people hate me. Today, as carefree and opinionated as I might seem, it took me a lot of guts and practice to let myself go of the fear of “not being liked”.
There have been times when I didn’t take the charge because I thought people would stop liking me if I were assertive. I have stopped myself from raising questions to my authorities when I knew that the things they were doing were not really ethical. I had a bigger concern over being on their good side than being on the right side. Being a people pleaser, I lost my confidence and identity and guess what; after all the people-pleasing that I had done, not everyone still liked me.
So one day, during my regular session of self-talk (if you don’t know what this is, check it out here.), I questioned myself, “What did I gain after all from all the pleasing that I’ve done? Can I still guarantee myself the likes of everyone? Is there even a sure shot way to get everyone to like you?” There wasn’t. Then, why was I wasting my time stressing over the pressure of likability? It made no sense to my inner self and I just needed to use that wisdom and have the courage to do what needed to be done.
All I can do is follow my instincts, because I’ll never please everyone.
~Emma Watson
A Study: Success Vs Likability
One of the reasons I love books is because they help me gain new perspectives and inspire me. Something similar happened when I read the book by Sheryl Sandberg ‘Lean In’, where she writes, “Success and likability are positively correlated for men and negatively correlated for women.” This means, the more women climbed the ladder, the more they were being described as “Bossy” and “Pushy”. It was more common than I’d thought. So I asked myself, “What mattered more to me?” – To do things that I loved.
Today, most people think I’ve an intimidating personality (which I really like by the way) and I am very vocal about my opinions. But from being a timid ‘Yes Sir’ person to a vocal ‘In my opinion’ person, I’ve had my fair share of struggle and distress. A few things that helped me overcome are the lessons that I would like to share with you in the hope that this shall help you too.
- Have your personal values.
The number one thing that you need to have in order to be able to let go of the fear is to know what you value. Have your core values set and this shall help you understand what matters to you and what principles in life you have that you’re going to stand by even if it means you can be disliked for. It really gives you the courage. Like for example, one of my core beliefs is No Animal Harm. You could hate me to death for it but I would care less.
- Think about someone that everybody likes.
Come on, give it a good thought and write at least one name that everyone in this world likes. Try it!
- Don’t try too hard.
I am pretty sure you can’t find a single person that is loved by everyone. So, don’t try too hard on it. You’re wasting your energy.
- Have true friends and family.
It’s the only thing that should matter. Do good and Be good. Your true friends and your family is all you ever need in your life and if they like you, you’ve got the best of all. You don’t need an approval from that one aunt you met at your cousin’s wedding.
- Love yourself- The good and the bad.
Most importantly, learn to love your good and your bad side. We all have flaws, accept it. Focus on your strengths and work on your weaknesses. Don’t be a harsh critic of your own. Breathe.